Minimum Fool Levels

June 8, 2017.  The following letter to the editor was published in today’s Citrus County Chronicle.

This is a true story.  Only the facts have been changed to protect the integrity of scientific inquiry.

I was enjoying a latte at Cattle Dog the other day when these guys walk in and sit down at the table next to me.  I could tell they were scientists because they wore T-shirts with the words “Certified Scientist” printed in large letters on the front.  Having a scientific background myself, I asked what they were studying.

They indicated they were on loan from the White House, having been retained by the Governor and his Southwest Florida Water Management District to determine how much water could be pumped from Florida’s rivers and springs in support of new development.

Being familiar with SWFWMD’s recent decisions reducing flows on the Silver and Rainbow rivers, now subject to court challenge, and its just announced adoption of an 11 percent reduction in spring flow to Kings Bay, I asked them to divulge the scientific methodology they employed to justify such determinations.  After all, Dr. Bob Knight of the Florida Springs Institute, and other renowned experts, reportedly believe that spring flows into Kings Bay have already experienced steep drops leading to an array of water quality problems, and threatening the health of this ecosystem.

They assured me that their scientific methodology was state-of-the-art, and that the views of the other so-called experts were either misguided, or the result of Fake News generated by our local media.  They further guaranteed that the levels adopted would make Florida’s waterways and watersheds GREAT AGAIN.

I asked what qualifications they had to become Certified Scientists, and they said they all had received B’s or C’s in general science and biology in high school, thereby satisfying the hiring requirements and standards of both the White House and SWFWMD.

I then inquired about their next assignment, and they said they were on their way back to Washington, D.C. to finalize their work for the Administration confirming that global warming is a hoax invented by bleeding liberals and reported by the corrupt media.  Noting would stop them from making the world’s climate GREAT AGAIN.

As they were leaving, I suggested they consider a 20 year assignment studying minimum flow levels from the melting glaciers in Antarctica.

They seemed to think that was a good idea.

Perhaps they could take a few of the SWFWMD decision makers with them.

Gary Rankel, Citrus Hills